Battle for space

Got upto reorganizing my place again. Seems possessions have a way of piling up and creeping up on one. Since I shifted to my new place about six months before (  I've forgotten already if it was feb or march!), I've been trying to live a minimalist lifestyle. Beginning from guarding against having too much furniture, onto being ever vigilant about not letting things get out of hand wherein new stuff coming into the house is concerned. However I seem to be losing the battle.


I think what turned out to be very difficult initially was the kitchen. My kitchen wasn't big enough, and cooking being a newfound hobby, kitchen utensils and equipment started fascinating me. I would get inadvertently drawn to kitchen section of Ikea - drooling over the clever organizing ideas, seeing the ultra curved ladle, and clever sieve that seemed just must have for my place. Buying plates, spoons, dinner sets by dozens it seemed. A set of 12 piece stainless steel utensils breathlessly picked up in a mad rush at Dragon mart because the supermarket was past closing time (never used except, after I realized, we can only boil stuff in stainless steel stuff, cooking in it is literally impossible as food sticks and burns on the surface). I literally went mad shopping. Of course that is not the best way to go about equipping a kitchen and even today, I live with a fridge that seems a bit too small, and washing machine that I've splurged on, but that eats my clothes, chews them over in its maw like there is no tomorrow, and almost refuses to be done with them. Lots of utensils that I'd over indulged in have been thankfully passed over to hapless family, and others I tend to furtively overlook as they seem balefully to stare at me, due to my lack of use. I have idli maker, appam chetti, pizza tray, cake creamer, juicers, mixers in multiples.. list goes on and on. I also don't have some basic stuff which I would tend to find at my mom's kitchen, and those things I miss the most (khandni dasta, rotti patla etc). However situation has gotten so bad, that I was left with no place for anything new in kitchen and have to stop buying.

Well, I'm sure, all of you agree, that kitchen is a bitch to organize. But although it seems bad enough, its not what caught me by the blind side. I've got Naqiyah's stuff after all. Toys, books, clothes, cycles, floats even a boat! And every venture out to a Mall, every trip out of town, every outing to a new places or to old one at new time, is opportunity to buy more stuff. Yeah seems bad.. still not the worst. My sweet child, is the most considerate one on earth. On countless of occasion, we've walked into a toy store, or a supermarket, or a mall and walked out with nary a thing bought and she never complains. If ever there is something bought for her, its at my insistence. Mostly its she who's telling me, forget it papa, this is not so important. Specially if she elicted mild interest in something, and I started trying to buy it, whereas she was just checking it out. So yes, toys do take up some space, but they don't creep up on me, and getting rid of excess toys by giving them off to some other child in family is in fact is a rewarding experiance. Besides a lot of her toys tend to disappear as she keeps taking them from my place to Umaima's and boy am I happy about that! I guiltily encourage the toy migration sort of :)... So getting rid of toys doesn't pinch my concience too much ( specially giving away part) and toys don't create a problem wherein clutter is concerned. I mean they do contribute to it, but in a managable way.

Then there is clothes. Naqiyah's clothes which are every increasing in volume. Thankfully again, many of them I try to push off to Umaima's place and rest get old and can get happily discarded. So although infact she has more outfits then she can possibly do justice to, it is not a key problem. I personally don't seem to have bought clothes for myself in what seems like ages. Although my old clothes from Umaima's house are still landing up like a tide relentlessly washing-up debris onto the shore, to my house and I'm wondering why I have a polar weather collection of Jackets and winter stuff, I am happy enough ridding myself of any and all old outfits which I don't wear. Clothes are difficult but not impossible to control.

I have more major lurking problem. Something that’s piling on me by the days. Its the paperwork. Everything generates paperwork in this world it seems. Banks just love to inundate me with messages, letters, statements, offers and their favorite ~ Bills!... Then I seem to have phone bills which Etisalat seems to keep sending , and I don't understand how can I have more bills then the number of months that I've got the phone! Electricity bills, business related documents, company documents, contracts and legal stuff, old documents which Umaima's sending over from old house, the list is endless. Then I have invoices of daily spending, shopping bills, laundry bills, bills for every purchase made every day, warranty documents and credit card receipts and what not. Its endless. Also getting rid of each bit of paper of course requires careful scrutiny to ensure its not something important which I'll regret doing away with at the later date. Paperwork is currently my most pressing problem. I simply can't organize it right, and its every increasing quantity is bogging me down.

Second problem that is quite unmanageable is test samples. I inevitably get at least 4-5 couriers from China a month with settopboxes and other items. Sometimes in multiples per courier. Sometimes whole cartons full of stuff. Keeping this stuff (mostly its valuable, and generally even sending them across to me costs the factory atleast 150 ~ 200 USD which at times I  pay for) after its checked is a pain. Most of them are checked but not done with. Others are samples of my productions which I'm doing for some customer or another and I would like to have a test box myself. I even have Naqisat boxes named after my daughter, which I'd had no samples for, and actually bought the sample from the market!. So receivers are work in process, some are work finished, but like a baby, full of memories, most of them have cash value which is not possible to recoup. Throwing them away seems like a criminal waste. Keeping them is impossible!

Lastly ofcourse a problem that will eventually be much worse then above two and which historically has got me every time. Its Books. In India I used to be able to buy second hand books cheap, while I was growing up. So I had ever increasing piles of books, which I horded like treasure. From mags, to comics, to paperbacks both fiction and nonfiction stuff and some hardcover as well. I think it was always a challenge for my parents to find space for my ever increasing volumes, although I don't remember them complaining too much. Considering that upto 18 years of my life, I've stayed 5 of us (my parents, my 2 younger bros, and myself) in 150 square feet single room studio - which upgraded to 100 feet single room studio for another 5-7 years after our old place fell down and we shifted to a smaller rented place, crunch for space has been single factor why I still don't have all those tomes. But giving up books used to be most difficult thing for me to do. Painful even. However on shifting to Dubai, need to fend for bare necessities of life. And the cost of books ( second hand were unavailable), meant that economically it was impossible for me to buy books. However since I've shifted to my new place, I’ve got sort of independence to indulge. And indulging I am!.. Hell I have started picking up hardcover copies of books which I've already read (Dune for instance). I'm much more discerning about which books I do read. This is simple result of having wide choice of books available to buy since I'm buying new ones ( for second hand books, the choice is limited to what is available after all). Now add all the books that I keep picking up (simply must have, have to etc) for Naqiyah ( just the other day I was all excited to show her latest stuff I bought for her, and she innocently asked me - whats so important about books?), and I know that books are going to be one serious problem for me in future.

So here I find myself back in Ikea. Shopping for furniture. After having promised myself to keep the walls bare, and floor empty. Living space that one could breath in. Having lived in confined space for a big part of my life, open empty space seems like a luxury that I love to indulge in. Problem is not even existing stuff which I have horded, rather the problem is that uncoincously it seems I've decided to allocate 2 of existing Cabinets in my house to books, current and future. I understand now, as I'm writing this blog, that books are what forced me into Ikea again. I also understand that open space is a luxury I can't afford to give up. I can't stop buying books. Can't stop reading. But I simply have to stop keeping them! I've just got to learn to give away books that I've read.

Honestly, considering that now I'm infact into collecting all books of authors that I like, and often find myself eyeing even books which I have ebooks of, and which I've already read (catch22, Asimov's foundation series, Life of pi, Tolkiens trilogy.. etc etc) to name a few as happened  just on my current visit to Kunokinya (as I said, I actually pickedup Dune hardcover, even though i've read it already maybe 3 times)... I find it hard to imagine how I'll resolve this one!

Colored objects - friends

Just had a two hour Chat with Bindi, 3 am my time.. should make it between 2:30 and 4:30 am her time.. Deep night..the time when the world is sleeping and moon reigns over her silent domain. In depth of the night where we recoup and recuperate our energies, lost to the world, in touch with our deepest feelings and desires, communing and communicating with our souls, were us.. me and bindi, awake.. interacting.. sacrificing the ethereal, to fulfill the calling of the bond.. that is very real.




Maybe she was a bit tired.. did make some noises , Gym, housework, outing for a movie, drinking with friends over at her place.. the usual stuff.. nd really I did not expect her to keep her promise to be online after she’d be back from her movie. But she was, and she did. Nd I realized I hated the word friend. Its too generic, too general. As I told her.. calling her a friend, is like calling referring to a rainbow and a rock in the same way, yeah, the rainbow is a colored object you see in sky, and yeah a rock.. that’s a colored object too.. All colored objects.. rainbows , rocks, flowers and trees, birds and bees,…. All colored objects, all friends.. so where’s the differentiation. Hope you know what I mean.

This colored object stayedup at night to chat with me, far far away, but yet so close maybe because she sensed, that I was a bit lonely and needed her… and for me, for the lack of any other words, I’d say.. she’s a friend.. a good one at that for sure.. but a friend.

Talking about colored objects, I was pleasantly surprised this week by 2 more.. One of whom found me after maybe 20+ years of having lost touch. Zahabia touched my life for a short time, but made a deep impression, when we were mere teens.. still growing, in Malad at my grandmom’s place where we happened to meet. 20+ years hence she connected with me, mother of twins, staying inexplicably in Dubai, just as I am, on facebook and I don’t know what to talk to her!

Second one is Zebun, whom I happened to trace. My memories 15 years past, of a philosophy student, bubbling with theories and ideas, standing at bus stop or sitting in canteen, or even at her place in colaba, or visiting Jehangir art gallery together.. We shared an eclectic tastes. Nerds is the word that comes to my mind. She used to refer to my theory of human existence as ‘theory of Man as Chemico Physio being devoid of a soul – perhaps’ . But we shared a bond. A deep bond. Then she moved off to Andoman Nicobar of all places, and we lost touch. I remember a letter, painstakingly typed out on a type writer which I’d gotten hold of in Malad, never posted – perhaps. I found her on FB. Mother of two children. A teacher, Again I don’t know what to say to her…

So these objects come in various hues and shades, dark or bright, lasting or about to wear off at first wash, deep and somber or gray and light.. and ofcourse these colored objects.. of various hues and intensity , of myriad flavors, the reds, the blues, violets and the grays, the blacks and the whites, the pinks and the magentas , the earthy browns, and the sky blues… we sweep them all into one term.. friends..



Sounds inexplicable to me.. is human language , is english language, at such a loss for word sounds?

Working again!

Wow ! its like getting my Mojo back. Me working again.. Seems like a long time since I didn't work seriously. Today I'm back, plotting and planning and strategizing. A clarification to those who think, i'm just a lay-a-bout.. who at the rest of the times is wasting time in myraid pursuits which amount to nothing - you're right !...

Most of the time that i do mundane repetative things, to me it feels like they amount to nothing. Even if those things constitute important part of initiatives that are already on the go, and need to betaken to their logical conclusions. New is exciting. Old is .. well.. its old ain't it? Why should I even wonder what it is.. its gone, past, finito, bye bye.

So here I am .. geared up, excited again. Thinking of new projects, initiatives. Strategies to revamp current businesses.  Researching techniques and technologies ( fancy way of saying, studying stuff that I ought to know already) to update and upgrade myself to be back in the groove..

Feeling good....

Peepli Live and Predators back to back

Watched Predators at dubai mall. Entertaining film but then I have sweet spot for Sci-fi Fantasy type films. Does justice to the original Predator film, and I believe shall be start of a successful franchise. I watched Alien versus Predators too, but it was like virgin mary, as compared to drinking bloody mary this time. Not the same thing. In my opinion, Predators is excellently made movie and I would rate it   at  3.5 out of 5. I liked Adrian Brody - although 'The thin red line' and 'The Pianist' did him more justice, Alice Braga was not believable as a hardend super soldier ~ I'd seen her earlier in 'I am the Legend', but other Cast - specially Laurence fishburne were simply awesome. I think the action sequences and story could have been done a bit tighter as overall the sense of being preyed upon and the urgency and the horror of it is missing in this one. It wins on concept, storyline, special effects and awesome cast.

One of the memorable scenes which really floored me was the image of the sky with multiple planets hovering around the skyline. Awesome. Reminded me of 'Nightfall' an Issac Asimov short story that had impressed me a long time ago. Later I was to learn, that it had been voted best Science Fiction Story ever written by American Sci-Fi writers in 1968. Now a days I often find myself searching for the likes of Asimov, Herbert and Tolkiens. When I walk into a book store usually I despair at the available fare in Sci-fi section.

Peepli Live is more of a downer. Excellent idea for a movie and important one at that. But I think the movie was in shambles. Story was all over the place and director failed to create an emotional connect between Natha and the audience. The plight of the farmer, the gravity of loss of land and livelihood all were paid lip service to, but the message was verbal rather then an emotional one. I think the writer and director couldn't decide what would draw in the audiences - Farmer suicide issue, Media circus issue, the Political issue or just some funny parts and hence tried to capitalise on all aspects and delivered non particularly well. Yes performance of Omkar Das was excellent, Raghuvir Yadav shined as he did not over act as sometimes I feel he does, and even other casts like Shalini Vatsa as Natha's wife, and Farrukh Jaffer as Amma (my favorite), and Nowaz as Rakesh were excellent. However inspite of Aamir's production, good concept and excellent cast I came away feeling that the film was an excellent opportunity wasted. It has Aamir's name attached to it, but not much of his magic.  Nasuruddin Shah was wasted in the movie. If he is caricature of some politician that they wanted to portray, its all well and good, but for me he added no value. A huge loss I believe when I think of Ishqiya and 'Dil to baccha hai ji'. I'd give it 3 at the most, entirely due to good show by cast. I am saddened by the lost potential of this important issue, that could have made such a great film!

Wu Liang Shou Jiang - Amitsayu Buddha Sutra

Yeah right.. thats what I was looking for! 1 hour long sutras in chinese to make my day.. Who'd have imagined, I'd be listening to those today. So how did it happen - eh... Its like I'm finally organising my music - I really don't know how to make sense of Window's Media Player still.. nd organising music is sooo difficult for me, never got around to doing it right all these years. But now today, doing it right. What I want to listen to - love - I keep.. others I delete.. Simpler way.. no ambiguities. Like is not good enough. 5 stars or the bin.. thats simpler way to do it.

Nyway I am going through songs.. enjoying.. from J'lo and Beyonce, to Motzart and Beethovan, Bally sagoo, to abhijeet, rehman and others... Awesome time.. Some surprises were to be expected.. but believe me, no way I had factored in 1 hour of sutras into the picture.

Nyway I just finished listening to Ohayoo Ohio  - Pink martini from Splendor in the grass on my playlist lineup ~ just trumpet and instrumentals.. When up comes this bell ringing like the cycle bell tingling.. and starts Wu Shang Shan  Wu Liang wa................ accompanied with light tapping on a drum in the background keeping beat. Beat keeps increasing in tempo steadily, as does the recitation. Recitation it is obvious is not repetiative. Rather it undulates, navigating through smooth rythmic syllables, words seemingly of same lenght and structure, but different sounding. And it meanders through your senses, rising and falling ,like a tide.. tempo steadily increasing until it reaches fever pitch at which stage it starts decreasing again.

What, Why and how this came about I cannot imagine. Never had heard of it before now, and now ofcourse me being me, I have far too much information about it. Its the sutra of Pure Land Buddhism. Practise of Buddhism via chanting, visualisation and meditation with 3 basic approaches - Hui- Yuan practise of the contemplating Buddha  or Master San- Dao's sect with belief of vows and mercy in heart to beseech rebirth into Amitaba Buddha Land, Master Hui-Jih's idea to combine both practise of contemplation and practise of beseeching.

In english its called Visualisation sutra, as Wu Liang Sou Jiang contains within a subset Guan Wu Liang Sou Jiang, Guan which is meant to pertain to Visualisation, although we'd rather consider it to be referring to Dhyan in indian context which has much deeper meaning then just Visualisation.

So to cut a very long story short ( and long long story it is) Wu Liang Shou Jiang is story of Sakhyamuni Buddha's preachings to Vaidehi regarding attaining rebirth to Amitabha Land via power of visualisation.

He describes in detail the technique for visualisations about 15 steps culminating in the person achieving enlightned status and being ensured rebirth into pure land.

Crazy thing about it is, having heard it once already, here I'm listening to it again, twice in a row on the same day.. this thing is like a bug.. catches u and difficult to shake off!!

Harry Potter the doom and gloom

So Umaima called up at my place today. Naqiyah being with me last 2-3 days. She had ticks for Harry Potter - The order of Phoenix 3D. Wanted Naqiyah to go with her. Naqiyah said she didn't want to go, and being in one of her pertinacious moods stuck to her guns. Umaima asked me to try and tell her the story and see if she'd get interested to watch the flick.




I started to tell Naqiyah about Harry Potter, the poster child for children's books and beloved of many, when I said to myself. Harry Potter is not for Naqiyah. I was surprised at this assertion. Why should the very mascot of for the Children tales not be for a child I asked. But seems I was also in stubborn mood, and put myself down with ~ morbid tale dealing with death, prejudices and guilt.



Now I knew I had a point. Harry potter's tale is tale of death of his parents and Harry's guilt ( at having been maybe the reason for the same), prejudice held against him by likes of Snape, Rita Skeeter, Umbridge etc etc. List is endless. Starting with cruel treatment by Uncle's family at the very start, all the books have death and darkness as central theme. As the series evolves, it just gets worse and worse.



The books do star children and have them as central character. This and the fact that the language is lucid, the tale is fantastic and magical, seems to have deluded many into mislabeling the series as children's tales!



I disagree strongly. Maybe for teenagers and above these books may be interesting. Yes indeed the magical implements and concept of flying broomsticks, magic wands, giants and dragons etc are fascinating to even younger lot. But on the whole, I've read much much better children's books ( so to say appropriate for children) then these. Same way as Cinderella was a tale about stepmother and cruel sisters.. and at its time may have been appropriate and ringa ringa roses is poem about kids falling down from small pox, and almost all nursery rhymes of Victorian era have similar dark themes .. I believe we are a little more civilized now, and children don't need desensitization towards hurt, cruelty and bad behavior.



Last Airbender comes to mind, just about now. Yes it has its part of violence, but atleast Avatar the boy is told by spirits ' It is not your role to hurt others - avatar is for all and should protect all' and the underlying theme of the movie is that he sets out to win 'hearts and minds'. As tongue in cheek and cynical it may be (referring to US hearts and mind campaign in Iraq and Afghanistan) however our younger generation deserves education on responsible application of power, and abhorrence of violence.

The Brown Bunny

What is Genius I wonder. Are the genius's only so, if world acknowledges them to be so? Is it a people vote and popularity that counts? 

Vincent Gallo ~ writer, director, producer, actor of The Brown Bunny. A tragedy with a buildup that is so poetic in its presentation and simple in style that left me breathless - literally. Again like Murakami, he'd shock you... not for faint of heart to see this. A tragedy, the pain, the anguish of loss.. the story of love and remorse.. of an unfair reality of our existence.. make a mistake and time marches on.. no way to recoup, no way to recover the loss. Time may heal some wounds, and that my friend is questionable, but certainly scar shall always remain!

For Vincent ~ someone who I never knew, never sought out, the movie which I'd never heard of and happened to watch as an unlikeliest of chance.. to have rewarded me with such profound experience.. I'm thankful and grateful.

So as I said.. what is genius... does it need the world to say he's a genius for me to acknowledge him as such? Or is the work a piece of Genius and he just happened to be the one who delivered it. I don't know. But I think he is!!!!


- A note of caution. I read up on this movie today a bit. 90% of audience walked out of the movie before the end. It has been trashed badly and called Worst movie to feature in the HISTORY OF CANNES festival.. and a celebrated critic wrote that he'd rather enjoy video of his colonoscopy more.

But having said that.. the fact is also, that some reviewers on rotten tomatoes (my fav review site) seem to have got the same feeling I have, with at least one of them using the same term that I used forVincent - Genius'

Tu-tu-tu-tuuuuu, tu-tu-tu-tuuuuuu

Give the man a chance and he'll happily be a monkey. So says me.. today a wiser fool... To mock the Big Bee - nd I don't mean our Bacchan, was a foolhardy act. He trashed me with Egmonte. Then showed me the way with King Stephen's. Played with my spirits, soaring them at times.. higher and higher, as in above - the famous 5th Symphony motif and boy did I fly.

I've just scratched the surface of the great master's works yet. Mostly overtures. Many a times impatient with his softer more rythmic pieces 'Leonore's ' for instance, he always manages to reignite the passions with more vivid, more exultant and far more heroic compositions - ofcourse the 5th comes to the mind.

To be honest though, many of them did leave me unmoved.. Leonore, Creatures of Prometheous and some of them awoked interest only in parts - The ruins of athens for instance.

Finally its also a happy coincidence that one of the first beautiful melodies I learnt on Guitar - Ode to joy , is part of Beethoven's 9th symphony. Having played it, now listening to it as I write this I feel the joy that the original poem by Scheiller that Beethoven set to music evokes.  Peom's the part of Symphony in vocals. Its in German, but an interesting part of it goes like this (starts with joy as daughter of Elysium etc etc.. but this part is more interesting to me) (by the way this piece of music is now European national anthem) :

May he who has had the fortune
To gain a true friend
And he who has won a noble wife
Join in our jubilation!

Yes, even if he calls but one soul
His own in all the world.
But he who has failed in this
Must steal away alone and in tears.



Some interesting tit bits about big Bee
Went deaf in late 20s.
Composed 9 symphonies ~ by contrast Motzart and Schubert combined composed 150!
Was impetous and did not like to eat with servants in Princes court, would at times throw dishes and break plates in distress at this insult ( Musicians, even composers like Beethoven were of category equal to servants)
Was great great believer in personal freedom and liberty
His 9th Symphony first concert received 5 standing ovations. Even imperial couples would receive only 3 during their apperances, and hence police broke the ovations as this was considered disrespectful!
As expected he lived a heroic, larger then life, but a troubled existance !

Coriolanus

Ludwig van Beethoven - mickey mouse, donald duck, charlie chaplin shall I say... Strange I hear Beethoven and cartoon films roll  out in my mind. With flow of music.. For example listening to Overture to  Coriolanus just now...  Angry Tom after Jerry.... on C minor, all high and mighty.. charged up.. up for a fight...then the mellow sounds.. E flat... soothing music.. cinderella .. dancing with the prince... soft, mellow, soothing.. again Tom going after Jerry with Gusto.. and final closure...    Jerry's sad demise... Thats overture to coriolanus for me.. Beethoven.. Don't know what people see in the guy.. I think he's a laugh riot!

Famous Last words :)

I read my last post - vah reh vah lifey.. nd can't help smiling.. How twisted life can get. Unbelievably next day morn the factory refused to produce the product. Some shit reason. No sense. Just curt refusal. after 2-3 years of development - non transferable !!!!

Ha ha ha.. I got saved by the post actually. Now come to think of it. If not for that post, the irony of it would have escaped me. Instead of putting a hand on my heart and saying 'All is well' I'd have exploded. These guys I know. They've dropped bombshells on me before. They were so capable of doing it again ! But it was ironic. I couldn't help but laugh. Cummon.. Crowning acheivement and all .. ha ha ha.. Brought me back to earth !

Nyway I think my cool saved the day. I called up right people. Diplomacy, reason, logic, persuasion. Worked. I called in all the favors ever. Worked. Project on fast track now...

Vah re vah lifey

So how does one feel when they're working on a project with no precedents for success accross multiple continents for three years,  and it comes to conclusion? They feel as I do... Vah re Vah !... Disbelievers were  legion. The small voice at the back of my voice the worst of them. Faith, trust, instinct and rational were my guiding lights. From guy in Tunisia, to Paris, to Bulgaria, to Ukraine, India to China to South Africa to Australia, Jordan to Dubai to Qatar to Egypt to Saudi... many were involved, are involved sometimes fleetingly... sometimes showing the way, sometimes throwing light onsome thing missed, sometimes burning midnight oil in pursuit of accomplishing the technical challenge.. and mostly out of pure commercial interest. I've funded it, nourished it, nurtured it, incubated it, instigated it, concieved it... its my baby. I never doubted it was possible. Only problem was whether it was possible by me or not.  Maybe i'd giveup in sight of myraid issues that seemed inexplicably to come up out of the blue. To giveup at when faced with roadblock of egos, prejudices, cajolings, threats and worst of all, snide laughter, comment here and a comment there telling me 'man you're going at it for x years now.. forget it, its never gonna happen'.


To be fair I did not make it happen single handedly. I trusted blindly, people who were otherwise not trustworthy, who'd proved on upteen occasions to be untrustworthy. Thats what I did. I trusted even when trust was not deserved. I paid when even the payment was not warranted. I gifted where there was no gifting due. I did what was always above and beyond the call of duty. This resulted in magic. People reciprocated. They supported me. Often times reluctantly surprised maybe at their own actions. Many a times some went back on their words and needed to be cajoled. At other's I took care of their perceived needs and interests. Varied needs. Varied interests. Exotic vacations, pleasures - done. Expensive electronics - done. Ego boosting - done. Exciting future prospects~dreams of grandure to be shown - done. Even threats and angry posturing - done! I was generous mostly, hard sometimes. However I doggedly pursued it. 

Not to say its over. But can certainly say its a start. I got first order 2000 pcs for the product that took this long to bring to fruitation. I learnt something. I learnt a lot. 2000 pcs can never makeup for my efforts, time invested, costs... sure! But I don't care... 2000 pcs is vindication of my baby being born to the world. Whether I recover the costs or not, the baby's been born, the development cycle has been fruitful, the concept has been concieved, executed and completed. This is a big victory for me.

I'm a man with the ideas. I'm the man without a plan. I know what to do. I know always what to do. I just don't know how to go about it in optimum dispassionate, take it or leave it way. For me, my way or the highway never works. I'm the guy who calls the guy who he's lending money to, a friend in far way country, calls  the guy to ensure the guy confirms and gives details of his bank account so I can transfer the sum. I just did.  Me... lets just say I can understand why I'm unbearable, I don't march with the band. My steps are always random. So I can't dance with a partner. Alone, I'd dance away to glory. Jive, move  to the music, groove.. I can feel the rythm, but keep step, repeat step, not so easy. Not to say i'm not accomodating. I'm just exasperating. I know why mine chose to not be mine. Its obvious.

I am most reasonable guy who never does a sensible thing. How dumb is that!

But that aside, today I'm happy. Not that i'm jumping with glee or anything. Its true that baby being born is culmination of all the efforts invested in the baby, but there is no gurantee that baby will survive to produce fruitful returns on investment. For me today is triumph of having stood ground. Not taken no for an answer. For once I believed in my own hunch, created that which I concieved and never, never gave up!

I made egg curry andhra style (tarmarind being key ingrediant of the curry) tonight. Small celebration. some ingrediants were missing, dhana powder, curry leaves, green chillies( these I simply forgot to add), but all in all turned out delicious. I undercooked the eggs, over cooked the mustard seeds, undercooked the onions, over did the pinch of sugar.. but it seems it all balanced itself out. It turned out ok. Delicious. Got my bloody mary, nd the egg curry, nd made a delicious night out of it.

I still do have a problem. It takes me 2 hrs on an average to put togather a dish or dishes. Atleast 2 or sometimes 3 hrs. Never less.  Am slow. I know. But don't know how to resolve it. I am forgetful. Meticulous while washing things. Concentious when cutting things. Open the drawer and forget what I'm looking for. Open the fridge for tomato juice for bloody mary and close it after grabbing a bite of cheese. Keep going back to the computer to see my fav vah chef reexplain the ingrediants and order in which to cook them, and after seeing it upteen time, do it wrong...

My friend Ali used to say, I'm glitchy. I always used to leave a bug in his system when I used to maintain computers for a living. My ex-wife used to say, I leave bugs so that I can be back to her place again ' this is when we'd just met'. Jinxed, glicthy or just forgetful. Guilty as charged.

Today did one more thing that needed doing, and was not happening. A deal, business deal was not going through. 8 months of negotiations. Back and forth between two parties. Me in the middle. Not going through. Today I think I culminated it. Power of persuasion. If I may say so, I impressed myself.  its an important deal.  Will add horizontally to my business. Give my company longetivity and options when considering that just now I'm fixed to a niche. Good deal. I pushed hard. Pushed intelligently. Showed the way. Created options, and was diplomatic. When two parties are involed and me in the middle, I'm never one doing anything. I suggest but suggestions are not mine. My ideas I plant. Compulsions I sow. I work not for the glory but the goal. Today did just that... Happy!

Also today someone told me they learnt an important lesson from me. A dogged seemingly thickheaded guy who's been source of much problems for me. After busting him in coordination with my client in turkey for about an hour, at the end of which he was pleading that we better just hand him the knife and he'll kill himself its better. Soon after he said one more dumb thing. I complained about quality issues. Reminded him it was not acceptable. His response ' They are still trying to see how to address these in such a low cost product'.. I trashed him completely. No product is low or high cost. Low they can't make money, high we can't buy. Product is always right priced in keeping with its demand, market scenario, current  features and volume etc.  You wouldn't go to Mcdonalds if they gave one burgure out of ten a bad one, and said, its alright, we give you really cheap burgers after all!.. Surprisingly he got it. He said so himself. Thanked me even. Said I showed him light about a new way of thinking about products.  He will no longer excuse low cost as reason for low quality. Surprised. I was surprised. Not like him to accept defeat in such a gentlemanly manner. Surely I'm having second thoughts about him. He's bad for sure. But maybe not immune to change after all!

Seems today was a busy busy day. Morn woke up 8 am.  No time for even brushing my teeth. A very worrying SMS. Hit the comp straight. Issue after issue, problem after problem. All urgent. All clamoring for attention. Alif cheered me up a bit. Rest was work work work. Had a bath and brushed my teeth at 2 pm. Glass of milk and was off to a meeting. Thats where I did the above culmunation of 3 party deal. Was happy, treated myself to a movie. Last airbender. Nice one. I liked the effects. The guy from slumdog millionair was one of the key casts. Good role. M night shyamlan.. this time he's done his homework. Qudos.  Back home, back to work, invitation from a friend to visit him. Preferably with some girlfriends, he was home alone for few days. I have non. Sad. Informed him asmuch. Didn't believe me. What to do. Its the truth.  He didn't like it, it seems, when I was ready to go, he told me he'd got an urgent call, plans had changed. Relieved. I'm not a social creature. Happier on my PC. Cooking. Surfing. Reading.  Listened to AArash's Donya.. also cross fade and others.. awesome.

Vahchef on Youtube. Check it out. The guys too good. Smiling always. Genuinely explaining every step of the receipe and why he does what he does. I've tried some of them. Non has turned out as intended, as expected. But I don't care. He's cool. I love him. Continue watching and apeing him. 

Calledup my friend in paris. 12:00 am dubai time.  Congratulated him on finishing the project. Then calledup my friend in Ukraine. Needed someone to talk to. Was feeling lonely. Don't have any friends in dubai I can just talk to. Sad.

Nostalgia? Love?

Excrepts from Murakami Novel

' I want to reach out and see if I can actually touch her. But I can't. I just stand there drinking her in. I listen to sounds she makes as she bustles around in the kitchen.
She ladles ot stew on to a plain white plate and carries to the table. There's a bowl of salad too, tomatoes and lettuce, and a large loaf of bread. There's potatoes and carrots in the stew. The fragrance brings back fond memories. I breathe it all in deeply and realise I'm starving'.....

After some more paragraphs in the book.....

'To be with her is to feel a pain, like a frozen knife in my chest. An awful pain, but funny thing is I'm thankful for it. It's as though that frozen pain and my existence are one. The pain is an anchor mooring me here. She stands up to boil some water and make tea. While I'm sitting at the table drinking it, she carries dirty dishes over to the sink and starts washing them. I watch her do all this. I want to say something, but when I'm with her words no longer function as they're supposed to. Or maybe the meaning that ties them together has vanished?"....

I read this above passage now. 1:30 am in morn... fantastic cream dorry fried fish and beef mince madras curry  with pilsburry atta rotis nd garlic pickle.. black bacardi white rum (limited edition as listed on bottle) in hand ( i froze the tomato juice last night in freezer by mistake.. bloody mary is not happening tonight). I sit with 'Kafka on the shore' by Haruki Murakmi. I come across this passage and I know why I love Murakami... his stories resonate with me, with my soul, touch some nerve, unveil deep longings, deeper truths..

The above passage.. I've been that guy. I've had that experience.


By the way I researched Franz Kafka and even read his The Trial and its dissertion and its analysis and various opinions on it today.  Sadly I read the Trial first. Depressed me. Utterly operessive. My soul cried at the inadequecies of the character 'K Franz' in the novel. At his utter desperate situation and the clear compulsive repetative misguided misinformed pattern of his behavior.  Sure Kafka is trying to drive home the point about how unable we may be trapped under our ego, delusional about our abilities and smartness, and completely incompetent to understand machanisations and working of authoritative, ubiquitious, controlling, omnipotent big brother. He turned out to be precient. He wrote the book about yr 1915 if I remember. Later he was proved to be so right. But hell I don't need him to make me feel inadequet. I do a pretty good job of it myself. Not for me to read Kafka.

 I had pretty long chat with Lee's wife in Juzhaigo about similar issue. She's doctaral student studying Hemmingway if I remember.. ' To kill a mocking bird' If my memory serves me right. 3 years of studying and disecting one work, by one author. Seems pointless to me. What a waste. I asked her what else she'd read.. We discussed at lenght the fact ( me doing most of the talking and persuading) that seems her definition and by same reason, definition of her curriculum, of the term 'literature'  was by default - a body of text that was morbid, sad, tragic.  I told her literature need not always be tragic. Nd if the text is longworded, complicated, requiring her to refer to dictionary to merely understand it.. then it was not a contemprary lingustical tome and at best should be relegated to niche status and could not qualify as literature, since literature needs to be study of living language with defining mass appeal qualities.. not just elitiest tragedies. Recommended Catch 22 and several other reads for her nd persuaded her to even checkup Dune (frank herbert ones) to really see what I meant. Hope she does it.

Meanwhile .. I drink because I can read the above passage and relive the same feeling, the same pain.. the same satisfaction. I dont drink usually. Thats because I'm a creature of un-habit. Its a phrase I coined for myself. I have analysed myself. One thing I certainly do, is I simply don't do one thing. Be it very very basic things like lets say have tea. I have tea every day every chance I get. But I also don't have tea for long periods of time just for heck of it. I know many a tea drinkers. If you're hooked, ur hooked. I am hooked unhooked. Same with coffee, same with smoking, same with drinking, same with eating.. same with reading, writing, playing guitar or even working. I get hooked and i get unhooked and i go back to being hooked. I can't be in one state for any lenght of time. Strange but true. I wonder if this holds true about love for me too?

Back from an awesome trip from HK with Naqiyah. Have been thinking about significance of life and events more and more deeply of late. And its leading me to inexplicable events and happenings which feels like fate is playing games teasing me with clues while lining up events to its own end.


Consider this:

Nathan road has suddenly got meaning for me. We stayed at Eaton Hotel, Nathan road in HK. Nathan being one of the key shopping / tourist roads in HK. On last day Naqiyah was playing with the Map.. she surprised me by showing me Kowloon express station, and then saying Eaton, Nathan road while pointing to our hotel address. Means she remembers Nathan road distinctly as well. For me this road has now tons of memories of time spent with Naqiyah, shopping or staying, or just traversing through HK. Our first impressions of the City togather.

Later in the flight I had pickedup quite a few books for me and Naqiyah to read togather. So had no intention of watching TV. I even offered the airhostess to take my headset when she seemed to be unable to help a passenger in front seat with his, and he was complaining. So I was quite clear that I didn't want to watch anything at all. However by 3AM and after completing quite a few chapters of our first novel togather I put Naqiyah to sleep inspite of her protests. She was hooked to the story :). Once she was asleep, I put on the TV and watched Joneses and then a 'Wimpy kid movie' - wimpy kid novel being just seen by me in book store for first time that evening . Joneses was interesting concept movie but cast and depth was missing, and Wimpy kid movie was pure drivel. Still some time to go, i was itching for some good cinema when came accross Madona's documentry on Malawi. I had often come accross some titbits of headlines about Madona's adoption contraversy in Africa, and thought of it kinda like a media circus around a new celebrity adoption Fad from hollywood (wat with Angelina and Brad showing the way). However something prompted me to see the movie. And I was moved!!! Madona's just produced the movie and has deliberately taken back seat in the narrative. It was irritating that subtitles were missing in africaan language the kids and locals were speaking. However the documentary was gripping and i was deeply deeply moved. Not by the tragedy ~ tragedy is everywhere, proverty is everywhere... the interesting part was to get thinking to address the issues. To forget our apathy, and irritation and sense of hopelessness at general despair that human existance sometimes seems to be, and to look at root causes and try to analyse possibility of change. To look at active components behind the drama and search intelligently, scientifically for the solutions. Philosophy, culture, anthropology, consumption, politics and human ability .. all are intervened to direct us to our fate. After seeing disasters unfold over generations, of epic propotions, to see misery propogated on children, seemingly out of their own volition, it obvious that 'i am because we are' the african culture and philosophy is on display although on its more terrifying corollary of 'i am not because we are not'. For the children in africa, for the generation who got aids because they never had a chance to know what it was, and how to protect against it, for the world because we may be in similar cycle of consumption, erosion, destruction as malawi is in microcosm. 'I am not because we are not' ~ i do not conserve because we do not conserve. I will perish , because we are programmed for destruction. I will as we will. Seems to me the documentary holds up a mirror to me, as much as it talks about specific issues in Malawi. What am I because of what we are?. What paths, practises, events are setting me up to be in a chain of self serving delusion, which I am not aware of. What am I because we all are?... Also Desmond Tutu's pearl of african wisdom ' My humanity is bound up in yours.. because we can only be human's togather', Madona's narrative (in my own words) resilence is not unique, it is a life quality, natural. We all have it within us. Needed are tools too excels... All hit home one after another. Like arrows, deep into my conciousness.. altering my thinking. Changing my life path. Guiding my future train of thoughts, action, being and becoming consequences of my future fate. Now get this ~ I obviously paid close attention to the titles.. Cast and the creators..people who had contributed to bring this experiance to me. The first name that flashed on the screen ~ Nathan Rissman ~ an un-likeliest of directors to say the least... he's husband of Madonna's Nanny! Thats why he got the job!!! My point is its Nathan right, same like Nathan road.. the same Nathan the word which was not in my conciousness has now 2 very distinct important places.. same time frame..





And then, I decide to google synchronicity, and turn up a paper on deliberations on coincidence and intution .. written by who else but a Ms. Nathan Hannah a philosophy fellow, who was very keen on proving that one Mr. Bedke about self defeating premise over cosmic coincidence and intution are wrong!







One more Nathan? Is it just me or is Nathan pervasively common name all around and I just happened not to notice before now?????











2. I always tell Naqiyah that stories are important. Hell, I've blogged about that too. I make up stories and they are tools for me to teach her stuff, to excite her, challenge her, stimulate her, connect with her and hey entertain her too! So guess what happens when I pickup our first Novel to read togather - titled ' Where the Mountain meets the Moon' by Grace Lin...?

We sit in the plane and start reading.. starts off with a description of brown dull hazy village, below a fruitless mountain, next to a dark cold river, a place which fortune has abandoned and seems to be full of despair. All is brown, the villagers toil through the day, until the night in muddy waters to grow sparce amounts of rice barely enough to fill their bellies meal a day. Mud from the water which needs to be flooded in rice field seeps into the land, the houses, the faces, the ground, the clothes.. All seem brown, dull and sad. Amongst this sad,sombre existance is a girl Minli. She's bright, eyes are like dark shining black pools filled with excitement and questions, cheeks are pink flushed with toil, but face is alive.

Why amongst all the villagers, only this girl is happy, excited, alive? Because her Ba (father) everynight at dinner time tells her Stories!.... her mom at times scoffs at this, saying they are impractical, make believe fantasies which will lead her astray, at others is happy to see the genuine smile on the child's face.. but at all times her father, with his stories, poor, hardworking, toiling peasent though he is ~ is epitome of patience, understanding. Nd at all times he tells his wife ~ stories may not do her good, but certainly dont' cost anything , and don't harm her.. so why not let me tell them!

This is the first novel I pickedup which Naqiyah got hooked too.. I did not read or know the content, just the fact that its story of a girl who goes in search of Old Man on the Moon, with a Dragon. Hence there is no way for me to have known it will underline my core belief in stories to Naqiyah in such an abject fashion... Coincidence? Synchronicity? or am I searching for meaning in ordinary events?????


3. Tinkerbell.... I've never read tinkerbell story.. Never been particularly facinated with her, nor really knew what she was all about. But when I made up 3 characters out of the blue for Naqiyah's stories .. they were - Naqiyah, Nanina (elf) and Tinkerbell... Now guess what out of all the princesses and fairies in Disney's considerable collection.. it seems Tinkerbell is the one one with most character.. We recently saw Tinkerbell's movie, and now one more is on the way, soon to be released. We sat in Disney train to go to Disneyland and when we had multitude of possiblities ~ Snowwhite/Jasmine/Sleeping beauties et al, Mickey and gang, Lion kings and myraid disney characters.. Guess which statue was in the train right next to the sofa where we sat... Tinkerbell! This is important because this train was the entry into disney world. Before we stepped into this train, we were just going there, but tinkerbell was not on our mind at all!...

Nd Naqiyah wanted a tatoo at ocean park.. only one disney or even any other recognisable character that was there amongst many dragons, ghastly gangster designs, and many many other creatures in 3 books full of tatoos was Tinkerbell! And the tatoo was awesome... red and black... still is.. looks great on her arm.. will stay for atleast a week the tatoo guy said said.

But these can be by design things.. yes I selected tinkerbell tatoo for her, yes i bought a very nice tinkerbell locket for her.. but what was not by design is that tinkerbell is that now that i've given it a thought, the only fairy with lasting legacy IMO. Has charm and character, is angsty and naughty sometimes fun, sometimes sad, with very human passions and frailities. Not like pretty perfect disney fairies. What I mean is, I did not know this! Naqiyah liked snowwhite, jasmine, or even ariel.. I used Tinkerbell for the stories without a clue as to what exactly Tinkerbell was..So for me its just a lucky lucky coincidence that somehow tinkerbell seems to be the right character for her to match with, grow with and love!

More coincidences have passed.. and many more to follow. I still doubt if any or all of them mean anything beyond just happentences. Trying to find meaning in them will lead me astray from living naturally. So I shan't.. But listing them makes me feel that maybe there are connections which are a bit beyond my reach to fathom, but are beckoning me to ruminate on them.

Meanwhile i push on, like an elephant in the perfume shop, crushing vials of precious fluids without a clue at their nature or importance maybe.. marching to his own drummer.. unaware.. unable to be aware